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TECHNIQUES FOR BETTER LISTENING
(Part 2 of 2) by David LaManna

In the first part of our article we discussed the benefits of good listening and the obstacles that most of us face in trying to be good listeners. This article details some tips and techniques we can use to become better listeners.

1. Never Interrupt: Communication is not a race to see who can talk the fastest or get out the most words. Interrupting someone who's talking can make that person feel unimportant, uncomfortable or even angry. Active listening involves hearing the message and caring about what the speaker is saying.

In addition to our verbal interruptions, there are other ways we can "interrupt" a speaker. For example, have you ever found yourself "mentally arguing" with someone who's talking to you? While we might be hearing the speaker, we're also mentally disagreeing with a point that she has made. Further, many times we don't remain open to opposing opinions, data or arguments. We mentally close down to listening and instead prepare our response.

Overcoming the habit of interrupting is not easy but the rewards are invaluable. First, be aware it. Learn to recognize when you are verbally or mentally interrupting a speaker. Then make a conscious effort to eliminate this obstruction to listening. When involved in a conversation, pause for a moment before responding. This will show the other person that you're thinking about what he said. It also gives you time to contemplate a logical reply to what you've heard.

2. Don't Jump to Conclusions: When we're speaking, it's easy to make assumptions. It could be that we think we've heard before what the speaker is talking about or we can guess what she's going to say. These habits lead to selective listening.

A good way to avoid this bad habit is to practice listening to the total presentation or speech before making a decision or responding. Try to base your response on all the facts, meanings and as much detail as you can gather.

3. Encourage Others to Talk: When engaged in any type of communication we can make the other person feel important by allowing them to speak while we listen. Listening to others builds their self-confidence and self-esteem while allowing us (the listener) to learn more about them. This is how we can find out about their concerns, problems, needs…all buying clues if we're talking to a client or customer. And it's just as important to our personal relationships that we know the concerns and needs of our significant others, our children or our friends.

A simple way to accomplish this is to use "conversation cues". While someone is talking to us we might say "all right", "uh-huh", "I understand", "I see", "okay" or some other short interjectory remark that shows the speaker that we are intently following along. Keep the speaker talking by asking "how, why, what, when, where and who" as the conversation proceeds. Making eye contact with the speaker will encourage her to speak and shows that you're interested and concerned.

Non-verbal cues also work well, such as nodding in agreement or reacting positively to something the speaker has said. We might change facial expressions or even lean toward the speaker to indicate our interest and attention. Note: Be aware of your body language and sensitive to what it means. For example, we all know that crossed arms usually mean rejection or opposition to what's being said.

4. Ignore or Control Distractions: Unfortunately, even when we want to listen, external and internal distractions can compete with the speaker for our attention. The "aural gap" that we talked about last month can cause us to doodle, star-gaze or do some mental or physical activity that leads us away from the conversation at hand. Distractions, in whatever form they appear, can send a negative message to the speaker and damage the communication process.

While not easy to avoid or eliminate, distractions can be minimized or dealt with appropriately. For example, we might be in a seminar room that is poorly lit or not well ventilated, too cold or too hot. In this type of situation we might call attention to the problem to get it rectified or adjusted. We might agree to ignore it or possibly move to another location if possible. The main thing is to acknowledge how the impediment is affecting the communication process and then deal with it.

With internal distractions, such as preoccupation, daydreaming or prejudgment we need first to be aware of what we're doing mentally. Once we realize that our mind is wandering we need to use self-discipline to help correct the problem. We can make a conscious effort to listen and concentrate to the speaker by mentally and visually focusing on what the speaker is saying. We can listen to the speaker with our ears, eyes and our body.

5. Listen For Feelings As Well As Facts: We can learn as much (or more) about people by how they say things versus what they're saying. For instance, a person's tone of voice can tell you plenty about how they're feeling and give you a better understanding of their meaning. In communication, it's important to pay attention to the emotion within the words we're hearing.

A good way to be sure our perceptions and understanding are on the right track is to ask for clarification or repetition. We can do this with prompting statements like, "I want to be sure I understand. Is this what you said?" or "This is how I interpret what you're saying. Am I correct?" or "I'm not sure I understand. Could you be more specific?"

Knowing how to decipher the emotion or feelings behind the facts can increase our skill and reputation as good listeners.

6. Summarize What The Speaker Is Saying: When we listen to someone speaking it's not expected or practical that we capture their entire conversation on our mind's hard drive. What is critical is that we are able to walk away with the essence of the conversation, speech or seminar content.

A method for doing this is to listen for main ideas or concepts that the speaker is addressing. You may not remember every single fact but if you can mentally collect the key ideas you'll be well on your way to understanding the speaker's intent. Take mental notes or create a mental outline as the speaker talks. If you find that difficult, use pen and paper to record the highlights as you listen to someone. (I've used this method many times when talking to potential clients. It invariably helps me to understand what the person needs and to ultimately gain a new client). Numbering the main ideas as the conversation progresses is an effective and helpful retention tool.

Summarizing also benefits us in that we can crystallize what was talked about, verify that we heard the speaker correctly and then respond appropriately and articulately.

Good listening skills add power to our communication and more satisfaction to our lives. It also builds goodwill and trust as well as creating feelings of loyalty necessary for long-term, satisfying relationships. The above techniques are just some of the ways that can help you to become a more proficient listener. Remember, listening is a skill that has to be learned. And to learn we need to practice daily. Why not start improving your listening skills today? The rewards and benefits are phenomenal.